Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
