She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
