so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
