Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
