yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
