I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You made out with two different species that night
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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