sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize