oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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