matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
