Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
