Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
