wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
