Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
