You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
