you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize