Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
