I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
