Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
