The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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