ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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