I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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