I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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