why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
