Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize