When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
