Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
