i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
