I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize