What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
