i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
