It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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