DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
