I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
