I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i drank out of a bidet.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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