i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
