I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
