Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
