The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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