Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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