my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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