he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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