WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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