for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
