things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Randomize
