Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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