I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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