He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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