i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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