I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
