a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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