I am midnight drunk by noon
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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