Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
