I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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