The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize