Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
