well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
