Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
