Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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