I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
