I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
