Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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