I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
