you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize