After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
