i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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