why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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