I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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