Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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