Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just want to make out with him forever
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
