i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
