She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize