then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
