im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
